Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
