Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
