that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
