Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
