Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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