I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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