My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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