This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
