Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
