On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
