I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I AM VODKA MAN
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize