I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
