The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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