Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
pop tarts are not kleenex
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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