Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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