I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
