Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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