you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
its liver damage thursday
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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