you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
