So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
