wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
