Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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