i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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