i love accidental penises.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
