I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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