Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
