I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
