i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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