Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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