she woke up with a sticky ear
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
