I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
