I didn't shave. On purpose
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize