Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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