Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The best revenge is premature balding
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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