Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
