How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
