yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
