i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
