Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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