hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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