you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
