she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
