why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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