I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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