1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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