If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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