she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
