Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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