Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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