it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
