watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
