I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You had me at "let me see your balls"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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