I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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