I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
